Mr. Webster,

I can't believe it. Almost a year has passed since you left here. It is still so hard to believe. Each day is still an uphill battle trying to comprehend that you're really gone. it is getting a lot easier though. I know that it will never be the same, not ever again, but as time has gone by it has gotten better. I don't cry over you being gone as much. I don't talk about you as much, but I know I think about you every single day and wish things were different or that you could still be here. I have your picture in my room to remind me of how much of an impression you left on my life.

I can't believe how hard it is to actually write this down. I'm so glad that you are no longer suffering or in pain because I cannot begin to imagine the amount of pain you were in during your battle. There is so much I wish that I could go back and tell you, like I miss you and I love you. I never got the chance to say that and I wish I had. The fact that you were able to call me a friend is something that I will be forever thankful for. I know that I was one of the very few epode who got an inside look on your life and I would not trade that for anything.

There are just some times where I can't believe that you are really gone. i'm sorry that sometimes I get lost in being upset that you aren't here, but sometimes it is also to heavy to bear. I cried so much the night that I heard the news, 010811. That day is one I'll never forget. It hurts the way that all of this had to end the way it did, but even after knowing the ending I would do it all over again and not change a single thing.

Time has gone by so quickly without you here. i hope that you are still proud of me. i am here at college studying what you taught me to love. I know people don't understand why it is so tough to move on, or to get through class, or to talk about it, but it is still a struggle. Maybe because I have never lost someone so close to me as you were. Maybe it is just supposed to be this hard. I'll never really know for sure, I guess.

• I remember talking to you in the hallways when I was just a freshman and how you convinced me to take chemistry even though it was supposedly a class for juniors.
• I remember coming in for help every day at seven in the morning and even if I didn't need help, then just to come talk to you. You were always there to cheer me up when I was depressed. You never asked questions and I never explained anything, but you were there and I knew it.
• I remember coming to visit you at the campgrounds. I could sit there and talk to you about nothing,
• I remember geocaching with you. Even if you didn't believe me, I did have fun.
• I remember the day before that when I called you to come down and you told me that you had hurt you knee. Never would have thought then that it was that which caused your passing.
• I remember junior year starting and the doctors were putting off radiation for as long as possible.
• I remember you sharing with me things about your treatments that you probably shouldn't have because you knew that they would upset me.
• I remember you telling me that they were giving you ten years and that I had better hurry up to becoming a doctor so we could go to the concentration camps.
• I remember how sad that "ten year" timeline made me, but crazy how it accelerated much more quickly than expected and just over a year later, you're gone.
• I remember you starting radiation that January and you had to miss a month of school. You probably came a lot more often than you should have, but I know you loved being there and I was not going to complain about it.
• I remember going to visit you that summer at your house when you were going through radiation again. It hurt to see you in so much pain.
• I remember you showing me your collection of guns and then you telling me how Delila commented on how you must be pretty fond of me because you had never done that for anyone else before.
• I remember you saying that I was going to marry your grandson and then we would be relatives.
• I remember how we would always try to get you to tell us stories in class because you had the best stories.
• I remember spending a whole class period getting karate lessons from you.
• I remember starting senior year. I could see that you were getting more sick as time went on and it made me uncontrollably sad. however, I tried my hardest to not let it show around you because I knew it would break your heart. You began to come to school less and less which was terribly hard. Having someone else there who had to take your place was the worst. Then finally one day, you stopped being able to come altogether. School was hard without you there. Then the time came that December when you went to the hospital. My heart broke again. I tried to come see you as much as possible, to be there for you and for Delila. Some of the times you were conscious, but others you were asleep or in too much pain to comprehend that I was there. The day when I had to open a package of crackers for you was terrible because it showed me how weak the cancer had made you and I knew how strong you had been.
• December 23rd, 2010 was the last day that I saw you. I twas the last time I got to talk to you, to hold your hand, to pray that you would get stronger. When I got back from Florida, they weren't talking any more visitors, said that you had a week left.

Then that day came... January 8th, 2011. 010811. I cried when I found out. I became so weak. I couldn't handle it. My friend was gone. This was my first true loss in life and I couldn't take it. Then your memorial service came and I finally got to meet your grandson. I guess that was the last time I saw you. It hurt more than anything. You were lifeless; I had never thought of you in such a way and reality hit hard.

The next day was your funeral. No school on a terribly cold and snowy winter day. Seems fitting now looking back. We all wore our periodic table shirts and pigtails in our hair since it was your favorite. I was able to stay strong until they took your casket out and I lost it. That was the true goodbye. Until I am able to see you again one day, that was it.

• I wish for so much to be different.
• I wish I had told you more.
• I wish I could have changed how that terrible disease took you away.
• I wish you could have been at my graduation.
• I wish you could have talked to me about my change in colleges.
• I wish you could see my periodic table hanging up in my room.
• I wish you could email me about how to do homework.
• I wish you could give me your advice on boys. "All the want are two things, girls and beer." And, "Boys are jerks, if not today, then tomorrow." Never have I heard more truth than that.
• I wish you could help me figure out life.

But, I wish most of all that you were still here. however, I wouldn't trade the relationship that I shared with you for anything in the entire world. And even though sometimes it hurts like hell, I would go back and do it all again. You made me a better person, instilled a love of learning and chemistry in me.

The only thing that I regret is never telling you that I loved you. I just never found the words to say. You knew though and I knew the same. There is so much life ahead of me and I am sad that you are not here to share it with me physically, but I know you're there. The day after your funeral while driving to school, listening to Swim by Jack's Mannequin which was the only song to keep me sane, and seeing that sundog... I know it was a sign from you, telling me that you were okay.

Each day I am reminded of you by something, but I know you are now painfree and in a much better place. I will never forget you, Mr. Webster. You impacted my life more than anyone has and I am unbelievably grateful for the relationship that I was able to have with you. You gave me a glimpse into your life that I know very few people got to see and I'm so thankful for that. I pray that Delila is doing well without you, too.

It's hard. Each day is a battle, but time helps. I miss you so much. So much. I always will, until the day comes when I can be with you again. And until then i will remember what you told me...

"Just close your eyes and I am with you in your mind."

I will never forget.

The Fragments In Here

there are detectors,
within the barricades of my mind.
crying, wailing.
the 'do not press' button flashing manically.
"take a step back, girl.
you're already in too deep..."

in too deep.
in too deep.
fuck.

it speaks only when i listen,
a flamboyant hush.
and when i don't, i see flashing traffic lights.
red. red. red. red.
as if they are crying,
while reminiscing.
i do not want to pay any attention,
not to the light.

i want to go back.
to a pale street lamp
with a soft hum.
to a wrinkle in the spectrum of memory.
to a mistake?
"yes!"

no.
this warning signal.
maybe it is what they call
'your conscience'.
but, i have been subconsciously trained to avoid it
by myself.

i want to go back.
to a dance
with spoken word.
to a surprise symphony
with no bars for repeat.

i am not capable of ignorantly ignoring it.
it is lying under here

and

i am undeniably, 

uncontrollably longing for it.
it is here where i am blinded by the flashing lights.
red.
it does not frighten me enough.
not nearly enough to turn back.
what i am afraid of is why,
why it does not?

the unwritten

this feeling, i.e.

a loss for words, tongue tied, dumbstruck..

reticent.

my dictionary interprets this particularity as,

not revealing one's thoughts or feelings readily.

my brain tells me differently,

specifically the prefrontal cortex.

is it any wonder

that i

fuck up

and run away?

root into circumstances

where no one knows

my tainted name which has been

ripped apart

stitch by aching stitch from

sharp tongues

and admonishments.

face it.

yet, here you sit trembling

before a being

who you refuse to let get the better of you.

yet, here you are crumbling.

admiring your expertise,

the adroitness, dexterity

you long ago

mastered.

the aptitude to

ascend,

nevertheless descend

more hastily with each reciprocation.

yet, here you are

convinced you have already sacrificed

your fair share.

please?

pass.

wait, wait.

rewind.

recall.

readjust.

start from nothing.

the hand gropes.

i miss you. i ache because i am missing you to such an extent that i cannot begin to comprehend. and i do not know why i am feeling this. and i do not like it.

summer closing, and what do i have to say for myself? regrets linger, memories don't fade, and some days i couldn't be happier. i can't say that i 'found' you, as you've been there for an extensive period of time. however, you came around at the opportune time. some days i wish differently, but you have to remember that i'm still learning. still trying, still recovering. it isn't easy to go from one to another, not a smooth transition. but i'm trying, please believe me when i tell you this. i want to try. for you.

the thoughts i don't speak

i'm scatterbrained.

"are you sad?

you better not be sad."

what if i was?

i can't explain what is indivisible.

numerous, endless theories.

could it be me chasing desire

or you starting the fire?

reach till you're out of room to stretch.

over and over and over.

nostalgia.

the truth.

you and i are going to be okay. you know that, right?

we're going to be.

okay?

right.

the shaking stoplights.

Poetic?

Pathetic.

A constant tug

between the war

on terror, or

peace of mind.

Without a general

sense of

direction

I stand

motionless in

the wavelengths

between cerebral ticks.

Anonymously,

subconsciously,

impersonally is the

despair...

we have succumb to,

this.

This tangram

with mismatched

puzzle pieces that

almost

fit together.

This celestial

ribbon portrayed by

connect-the-dots

without

numbers.

This... mess.

i can tell myself over and over again that it’s your fault. that i was led into a point of despair without knowing how it would end. but that’s not true. it’s as far from the truth as humanly possible. i can’t convince myself that you’re to blame.

this is what i didn’t want to happen. believe me, i know it’s the right thing to do, the mature decision, and that it will get better. i go over and over through restless nights of what i did wrong. what i could have done differently. the thing is, i can’t come up with a single thing. i can be happy with the effort i put into it to fix/change/notfuckitupmore. however, i cannot say that i some of my love wasn’t crumpled up to not be fixed again.

i do get through the day without too much of an issue, but the night comes and i lay awake and stare at the ceiling above. “spent the rest of her teens experimenting with prescriptions in a futile attempt to know more than the doctors.”

and i’m sorry. i need to apologize for being like this. it’s not your fault. you won’t believe me either and i can’t change that, i know.

the slow fade of love. it’s mist might choke you. it’s soft edge might cut you. it might hit you from below. it’s my gradual descent into a life i never meant.

this thing hurts like hell, but what did you expect?

and i realized too late what i had, too.

the shit hits the fan.

today is the day where i want nothing more except to go home, watch RENT, and fall asleep. cut out all contact with civilization. there's no dictionary definition to explain the turmoil inside of my stomach, whirlwinding through my mind. the question lingering is who is to blame?

you: to be honest, i want to be to do this, but i'm incapable. even with all of the valid arguments of you were the one who continued to press forward without yet leaving the past behind. i eagerly obliged, but can i say that you should have known better?

me: this is where the blame is always put, most often by myself. even though i was completely aware of the situation at hand i still continued to lead you into a web. "the talking leads to touching, the touching leads to sex. and then there is no mystery left." i was aware of what i was doing, but with the slight hope that the consequences wouldn't be so dire.

desiring for this to be resolved would be a giant leap. i don't know where the fuck to start.

the brief.

i have poured everything of myself into rough scribbles and words drawn and written on scrap pieces of papers and the screen in front of me, eraser shavings and pencil indents, backspaces and edit buttons. i wish i could undo and unravel and dream and write and immerse myself in nature and never let go of anything ever. and there are moments when i look around my environment and realize how utterly beautiful everything and everyone is. and i feel like a dust speckle floating aimlessly around in the wind, and seeing the world from a bird's eye view. i could never describe myself in three words because the workings of my brain are a mixture of light and sound and pain and love, all at once circling around like a carousel. i have this cycle where i continuously meet new people, but never create a bond and they go as they please and it's painless and numbing and i like that. i realize how the world would be if we exchanged our souls with each other and have control over bodies other than our own. i have hurt so many people and for that i am truly sorry. so many people have also hurt me with darts and needles that were stabbed into my heart. and wounds have healed. but lessons weren't learned. almost everything i ever think about or talk about is random, strange, and incomprehensible. and no one can understand why i ramble on and on, but that's okay. because i write and i act and i love not for others but for myself, i have the privilege of owning myself like everything else. but, i get detached and question, every single day, who the fuck i am. i still have no clue.

-flb.