the time i didn't talk.

i remember the time i didn't talk to you for three months; i remember how hard it was. and now my biggest fear is that i'm going to have to do it again. what do you mean you don't know what you think of all of it?! i'm sorry i'm a frustrated mess.

i had a dream last night where you blocked all contact from me.

last time i had a dream about you it came true the next day. is it okay that i'm terrified?

the distance gets further.

you might as well be an ocean away. i traveled extensively to come back with less than i what went with. one would think that three hundred seventy-eight miles is not unreachable, but under circumstances and lacking both sides needed to make it work, it's quite impossible. either that, or i wait ten more months. i'm not sure which is worse. and realistically, it's a state between. more like an eternity.

blah. let me wallow in my misery.

-imagine something that could happen and may already have. because i thought i'd be laughing in a couple days relaxing, enjoying what i don't have, but now i'm missing what i had. i pull a crumpled picture from my wallet and i put it on the dash. and the car swerves, i'm not paying attention. i hope that i don't crash.- -yfpg.

the lost chapters.

lately, i have had this dying urge to find my mother. all i know is her name and where she is from which, surprisingly, is not very helpful. i also do not have the balls to call these numbers i find for people with the same name. maybe someday. if you know a teri kirley, let me know.

the b-side tracks.

i've exhausted my amount of toleration for summer weather. there's a point where jackets aren't needed, but welcomed. i'm all worn out and have seen everything from bangkok, to paris, to calvary. it's time to create a veneer by lacing up my arms with sleeves. tuck secrets and freshly crunched leaves into my pockets.

summer has turned it's back on me once again. i'm tired and not the type where my eyes need to shut.

sophistication.

i was married to the stronghold,

held on to the back of a magazine

relived the reiteration

scuffled to the far side.

you're a song i vocalize as i read the libretto.

what if i carry an aristocratic disdain

day to week, to weakend.

have you ever felt this way?

wide-eyed.

oblivious, heedless, or ignorant.

perhaps naive.

hands to myself.

you've got me right where you want me.
let's never talk, let's never. let's never talk of this again because

i didn't want it to mean that much to me.
i didn't want it to mean that much to me.
i didn't want it to mean that much to me.
i didn't want it to mean that much to me.

anyway; yeah.

-tbs.

se7en.

i'm up to seven now with hope on the horizon.

seven

-five dictionary results
sev-en

–noun

1. a cardinal number, 6 plus 1.

2. a symbol for this number, as 7 or VII.

3. a set of this many persons or things.

4. a playing card with seven pips.

seven wonders of the world.
seven sins.
seven days of creation.
seven servical vertebrae.
seven in a septet.
seven of nine.
seven days of the week.
seven seas.
seven chakras.
seven continents.
seven dwarfs.


saturday.
uranus.
vertebra prominens.
superbia.
the right to a jury trial.
major, minor.

lucky.

leading tone.
roygbiv.

i'm still sober.

i counted the days.

one. two. three.

restlessly flaying the syllables you protruded.

the habitually numbered days

turned into weeks.

one. two. three. four.

attempting to restore fervency

is an off kilter pipe dream.

number four.

i sift through the crumbled
ashes of youth
determining where i fell away
and lost the
nectar thoughts
that i once held close like
your simmering oils intertwining with
the kiss of emerald
i feared i had lost all i once
cherished and kneeling in
a room of silver
i revelated into unknowing
depths yearning for your
marble words
and
ruined feathers.
strangled by my undying need
for your sad thoughts and
spilling requiem,
i starve my mind
to relinquish these unsustainable
shackles and manacles,
revolting
through such an age of
enternity fringes.

the eyes can see like hands.

"what did you tell that man? he's a clever man, did you know? i bet he works for the government. and i know you know i know i can't control thoughts of things i need. i believe everyone needs some encouragement."

`

some encouragement.

some encouragement.

some encouragement.

come on, encouragement.

the revelated mysteries.

some suicides are never recorded. they tell us that it's a sacrifice and we will not die in vain, but i'm not lost in the brainwashed frenzy like the rest of them. i've seen what happens. it's a social aspect really; the less fortunate, less worthwhile. they are relentless and not one thing will stand in their way. no challenge is put up. we're required to put in a circular window with specifications to the millimeter. that's how they get in.

at least you're warned. the letter is a death sentence, but you cannot show your angst, your fright. we're made not to show our expressions. there are no colors outside of the gray spectrum. there are a limited supply of all rations so no social change is supposed to occur, but i know. i know because i once lived outside. i secretly immigrated in, but i digress...

they pull you, grope you, scratch till you're through the circular window. the 'store house' is a seven minute walk from all buildings. design is a large specification here. you'll be drug down the brick laid street. the curtains close, the doors fasten, you go to the south side of your house because it's known that you don't stare. i've seen it multiple times. once to the storehouse you're stripped, cleansed, shaven. not an impurity in sight. you lie down in the room specified to you at birth. you lay as they flog and trounce you only until you're prepared. you're brought before our masted and then, you're gone.

it's a sacrifice. i've been told that they teach you from speaking age. your first words, your first salute. a sacrifice! a sacrifice! there is not sacrifice here, only figmented loyalty. i've longed emigrate back out. however, my letter arrived yesterday.

the moon glows.

without you the ground thaws,

the rain falls, the grass grows

without you the seeds root,

the flowers bloom, the children play,
the stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly

without you the earth turns, the sun burns,

but i die without you.

without you the breeze warms,

the girl smiles, the cloud moves

without you the tides change,

the boys run, the oceans crash

the crowds roar, the day soars, the babies cry

without you the moon glows, the river flows,

but i die without you.

the world revives, colors renew,

but i know blue, only blue,

lonely blue, within me blue

without you the hand gropes,

the ear hears, the pulse beats

without you the eyes gaze,

the legs walk, the lungs breathe

the mind churns, the heart yeans, the tears dry

without you life goes on, but i'm gone.

'cause i die without you,

without you, without you.

-rent.

a windmill of chances.

the man stood in front of the table, his sad hands folded neatly in front of him, placed accurately just beyond the edge as to seem accustomed to doing so. she couldn't help to think that she had succumb to what she wanted least.

he knew all about her. he had known since before she had known. she portrayed herself as strong willed and independent, but he knew. she fell away to every politic pressure. he stared at her and knew she couldn't see him. she could see him, but she couldn't see him. she blinked and eyes watering in recollection. she was here by accident, it was all and accident. if only she could have retracted. if only her shoes had been untied, or her mother rand. there's no 'if only' in life though you go and live and what happens, happens no matter how fucked up it is.

he saw her begin to weep. he knew, he was there. he also knew it was going to happen. it was bound to happen, but he knew. she looked across the table and delicately studied his features. he seemed so familiar as if she hadn't seem him in years. she hadn't seen him in years, not since her father died at least, since she gave up. he longed for her to see him! he pursued, but she rejected, rejoiced in others.

she couldn't tell where she was, didn't know where she was going, but she noticed a familiar scar from the incident which she began to tear at with her teeth.

the highway goes west.

i curse a lot. i curse you.

i speak often. i speak of you.

i cry too much. i cry about you.

i am longing. i long for you.

i waste my days. i wait for you.

i am pathetic. i look pathetically distressed.

i wish too much. i wish it came true.

i wish it wasn't true.

i swear loads. i swore it was you.

i get desperate. only for you.

i get fucked over and can't shut off my thoughts.

i write down every lyric that sounds like you.

i become a mess that you don't want to clean up.

enough is enough, but enough isn't fair.

my hands are cold and i'm tired of rambling madness, nothingness. get some sleep tonight, catch up for the lost hour, and stop thinking.

the streams will be railways.

you cannot hurt me here. bring your army and bring your navy. bring your cancerous cells and bring your wailing children. bring your dying, your weak, your wounded. bring your remarks, your cackles, your snide insults. bring me your god damn economy and your empty wallets. bring all of your homeless, helpless, starving. it doesn't matter because i have nothing left to give you. bring me your long working hours and your unpaid debts. bring me your cheap chicks. bring me your restlessness and sleepless nights. bring your unsmoked cigarettes and cheap beer. bring me your embrace, your kisses, your thoughts. bring me your memories and your untouched skin. bring me everything i longed for because it does not matter. i can and i will fall time and time again. i will make mistakes, but you cannot redeem yourself. you cannot hurt me here.

a tango with chance.

"i want to know where children would go if they never learned to be cool because nothing's achieved when pushed up a sleeve till nobody thinks you're a fool."

it's all about perspective in this wondrous devastating oracle we live in. i'm considering living in a house with one-way-only mirrors for walls so i can dance to you, but i won't see when you get bitter. i want to grow tall, metaphorically. i'll play your games, but you better run fast when i'm the one with the stick in hand.

well i've been afraid of changing.

a young fellow was traveling the countryside. i saw him coming miles before his actual arrival. that's the way it is in this area. the fields aren't round an' unless there's a storm, there ain't a cloud to stop your view. i've been out here for a few years now, doesn't take long to get accustomed to the change. i used to be a city slicker, but i found out long ago that it's not my fancy. or at least, i don't quite fancy it. it's not that i didn't try 'cause i did, i sure did. even my mama said that it wasn't my fault, they just didn't quite get who i was trying to, or supposed to be. now this man, he came upon my land in a real nice suit. he musta been looking for territory, scoutin' out the area to see what could be his next development. and as we stood there at the expansive harvest in front of us, he noticed the sunflowers i had planted within the rest of the crops. he asked me, "why do you have those weeds? go hoe them out and the rest will flourish." i told him that those ain't no weeds, they're flowers just the same as the rest. as he scoffed and turned to continue on his travel i spoke up, "they may be just weeds if you're looking for perfectness. come back when your stocks dry up mister and you'll see that they aren't weeds. just a plant outta place."

and maybe i'm just a plant out of place. i'll try to adapt and have a place of some sorts. the sunflowers always face the bulb in the sky you know.

the sounding echoes.

i had a dream last night. i was in my church building with my mother and a marvel comic book. not long before then i had been at the store renting three movies all having to do with some sort of paranormal entity. when i returned to the church, we began to hold hands in order to see the spirit of a man, one i don't care to know. and when he appeared clearly i reached out, letting our hands loose, but the lights flashed on and he disappeared. a voice told me to try harder the next time. instead, i picked up the movies and ran outside with my mother just trailing behind. i told her we had to get far away and leave that comic book behind.

it was the moment i woke up petrified with fear that i decided i needed to go empty my stomach in the bathroom facilities and that i was going to stay home from school. at least till i could calm myself down.