the brief.

i have poured everything of myself into rough scribbles and words drawn and written on scrap pieces of papers and the screen in front of me, eraser shavings and pencil indents, backspaces and edit buttons. i wish i could undo and unravel and dream and write and immerse myself in nature and never let go of anything ever. and there are moments when i look around my environment and realize how utterly beautiful everything and everyone is. and i feel like a dust speckle floating aimlessly around in the wind, and seeing the world from a bird's eye view. i could never describe myself in three words because the workings of my brain are a mixture of light and sound and pain and love, all at once circling around like a carousel. i have this cycle where i continuously meet new people, but never create a bond and they go as they please and it's painless and numbing and i like that. i realize how the world would be if we exchanged our souls with each other and have control over bodies other than our own. i have hurt so many people and for that i am truly sorry. so many people have also hurt me with darts and needles that were stabbed into my heart. and wounds have healed. but lessons weren't learned. almost everything i ever think about or talk about is random, strange, and incomprehensible. and no one can understand why i ramble on and on, but that's okay. because i write and i act and i love not for others but for myself, i have the privilege of owning myself like everything else. but, i get detached and question, every single day, who the fuck i am. i still have no clue.

-flb.

the time i didn't talk.

i remember the time i didn't talk to you for three months; i remember how hard it was. and now my biggest fear is that i'm going to have to do it again. what do you mean you don't know what you think of all of it?! i'm sorry i'm a frustrated mess.

i had a dream last night where you blocked all contact from me.

last time i had a dream about you it came true the next day. is it okay that i'm terrified?

the distance gets further.

you might as well be an ocean away. i traveled extensively to come back with less than i what went with. one would think that three hundred seventy-eight miles is not unreachable, but under circumstances and lacking both sides needed to make it work, it's quite impossible. either that, or i wait ten more months. i'm not sure which is worse. and realistically, it's a state between. more like an eternity.

blah. let me wallow in my misery.

-imagine something that could happen and may already have. because i thought i'd be laughing in a couple days relaxing, enjoying what i don't have, but now i'm missing what i had. i pull a crumpled picture from my wallet and i put it on the dash. and the car swerves, i'm not paying attention. i hope that i don't crash.- -yfpg.

the lost chapters.

lately, i have had this dying urge to find my mother. all i know is her name and where she is from which, surprisingly, is not very helpful. i also do not have the balls to call these numbers i find for people with the same name. maybe someday. if you know a teri kirley, let me know.

the b-side tracks.

i've exhausted my amount of toleration for summer weather. there's a point where jackets aren't needed, but welcomed. i'm all worn out and have seen everything from bangkok, to paris, to calvary. it's time to create a veneer by lacing up my arms with sleeves. tuck secrets and freshly crunched leaves into my pockets.

summer has turned it's back on me once again. i'm tired and not the type where my eyes need to shut.

sophistication.

i was married to the stronghold,

held on to the back of a magazine

relived the reiteration

scuffled to the far side.

you're a song i vocalize as i read the libretto.

what if i carry an aristocratic disdain

day to week, to weakend.

have you ever felt this way?

wide-eyed.

oblivious, heedless, or ignorant.

perhaps naive.

hands to myself.

you've got me right where you want me.
let's never talk, let's never. let's never talk of this again because

i didn't want it to mean that much to me.
i didn't want it to mean that much to me.
i didn't want it to mean that much to me.
i didn't want it to mean that much to me.

anyway; yeah.

-tbs.